What hinders men from being vulnerable and reveal their fears, flaws, and failures? Many say it is the man’s ego or pride. I disagree.
Since the time they were boys, men were told to “man up” and not whine or cry while having their emotions ignored and invalidated. When these boys grow up and become men, society expects them to start a family, sustain it and always keep it together. Employers expect them to be hard-working, productive workers. With few exceptions, they are relied upon to defend and die, if necessary, for the country. As you can see, there is no time for men to be weak. There even isn’t time to breathe.
When men fumble or fail, they are greeted by criticism and contempt. This produces shame in men, which is the other thing that keeps men from opening up. Shame is different from guilt. Guilt says “I did something bad.” But shame says “I am bad”. Shame needs tree things to grow. Silence. Secrecy. Judgement. Douse shame with empathy and it can’t live.
If we want more men to open up and be vulnerable, we need to be prepared to meet them with empathy and compassion, by not judging their thoughts and emotions, and by affirming their courage to be real and vulnerable.
By Parcsen Loke, Family Life Coach, Centre for Fathering. If you wish to contact Parcsen, please make an appointment at: calendly.com/iamparcsen.