Has your child become more reserved? Do you find that you are knowing less and less about your child and what they are doing? Do you feel that you have lost your power to parent your child? Do you feel alienated from your child? If you have answered yes to any or all of these questions, then join the club. Millions of parents around the world experience the same thing. While this is normal it does not mean that this phenomenon is natural and that we should just allow it to continue.
Parenting was meant to be power-assisted, much like the power brakes or power steering of a luxury car. When the power fails, the car would be too much to handle. The more power a parent commands, the less force is required in day-to-day parenting. What gives you the power to parent is the relationship you have with your children. All the parenting skills in the world cannot compensate for a lack of relationship.
So how can we turn the hearts of children back to their fathers? The secret is for fathers to turn their own hearts back to their children. I want to share two ways you can start to establish closeness with your child. This applies even if you have been alienated from your child and want to re-establish closeness with him or her.
The first way you can establish closeness with your child is through proximity, literally closing the physical gap between you and your child. As children grow, they want their own space. Getting close sometimes requires you to enter their space. Take for example, if your child is spending a lot of time in his room, go into your child’s room once in a while and just say ‘hi’. Or you can sit next to your child during meal times or while watching TV.
Besides getting into their space, you can also get into their faces. This is the second way to establish closeness with your child.
Do you still remember when your child was only an infant and the times when both of you looked into each other’s faces? Oxytocin, or the “love hormone”, is released in the two of you, bringing you closer to one another as a result. However, such intimate interactions slowly decrease as the child grows older. By the time the child is around two, they have been completely replaced by criticisms, reprimands, and punishments. Displeasure is the more common vibe children receive from their parents rather than warmth and love. So dads, make sure that when your child is near you or looks at your face, what he or she sees and feels is warmth, love, approval and acceptance.
By Parcsen Like, Family Life Coach, Centre for Fathering