The Gardener And The Carpenter

“The Gardener and the Carpenter” is a book written by Alison Gopnik that explores the contrasting approaches to parenting and child-rearing. Gopnik, a renowned developmental psychologist, argues that there are two main philosophies when it comes to raising children: the “gardener” approach and the “carpenter” approach. Which one are you?

Alison Gopnik, a psychology and philosophy professor at the University of California, Berkeley, says that many parents are like carpenters when they should be gardeners. She has spent decades researching children’s development and found that many parents are carpenters who often focus too much on who their children will be as adults. They think that by doing the right things, getting the right skills, reading the right books, they are going to be able to shape their child into a particular kind of adult.

In the carpenter model, parents are architects who meticulously plan and construct their child’s future. This approach emphasises control, structure, and a goal-oriented mindset. Parents following this model often set strict rules, schedules, and educational benchmarks, with the belief that they can shape their child into a specific predetermined outcome, like a well-crafted piece of furniture. The harm in that approach, she says, is that parents and their offspring may become anxious, tense or unhappy. 

In contrast, parents operating on a gardener model provide a nurturing environment in which children can naturally flourish. This approach values flexibility, exploration, and allowing the child’s unique qualities to unfold. Parents adopting this philosophy create an environment that encourages curiosity, creativity, and self-discovery, akin to tending a garden where each plant grows in its own unique way.

If parents are like gardeners, they will cultivate the garden and create a rich, nurturing, diverse and dynamic space in which their children can become themselves, rather than trying to mould them into who they want them to be.

The gardener approach is more in line with the science of child development. Remember that children are not passive products to be moulded but active learners who thrive in environments that foster exploration and play. Do focus on creating a secure, loving, and stimulating atmosphere that allows children to learn through their own experiences, rather than trying to micromanage their every move.

By Parcsen Loke, Family Life Coach, Centre for Fathering. 

Food for Thought: Think of a word that represents your parenting style.