International Fathers’ Mental Health Day – An Interview with Ryan Choy

An Interview with Ryan Choy, CEO and co-founder for Faire Leather Co.. He is also a father to his 19 month old son.

How do we define a father? Often, we describe fathers as influential or supportive figures in our lives while forgetting the pressure and responsibilities that come with being one. Most of us recently celebrated Father’s Day – we would not only like to thank fathers for the work that they do but also dive deeper into the mental and emotional aspects of becoming a father; to recognise their unseen efforts and personal hardships.

The majority of society may tend to associate fathers with strength and masculinity, making it harder for them to express the truth about their emotions and mental health. Celebrating fathers also means considering the reality of these hidden struggles. This week, we decided to dive deep into this issue, and interviewed Ryan Choy, who became a father in November 2019.

What does Father’s Day mean to you?

Ryan: I think there are two layers to this answer because I am both a son, and a father. As a father, it celebrates this new identity I have since Tristan was born just 19 months ago. I think it’s easy for people to think it’s just another reason to celebrate or for mum/children to get a present for dad but the significance of it to me is celebrating the fact that hopefully, I’ve done a good job so far.

As a son, it’s taught me to appreciate everything that my father has done for me, and how difficult it might have been. There’s no real base of comparison between us since we now live in a different time where tech and social media has become such a constant; I may not have the same challenges he had to deal with and vice versa. Having said so, I respect and embrace those differences because we are different and as I mentioned, because we live in a different time. There is of course an undeniable similarity—it isn’t easy.

Why do you think it’s important to discuss the mental well-being of fathers?

Ryan: Well I can’t represent all fathers since I know we all have different circumstances so I won’t claim to know what it’s like for everyone; but as a new father, I think it’s important to shed more light on what fathers go through. This is not to say that they’re more important than mothers – as someone who lost his mother when at 15, I can assure you that isn’t the case.

It is simply that both parents are extremely, and equally important, each with roles to play. Whether it be social media, mainstream media or more traditional forms of media, there are a lot of campaigns and literature that support and illustrate the beautiful sacrifices that a mother has to make and how difficult it is—I think this is necessary because people don’t see what it’s like as a mother, and no campaign will compare to actually seeing what it’s like day in day out for months and months.

Having said so, there is barely enough of the same thing for fathers. I think they are always seen as the anchor, that when times are hard, they’ll be there to support the family; it is that pressure to be “tough” that prevents men from sharing how they feel.

According to Postpartum Support International,

“Society views men as stoic, self-sacrificing, and above all, strong. When men feel none of those things as new fathers, they don’t want to admit it or seek help.”

I’ve also learnt that fathers in this day and age are more likely to develop mental health challenges and that the pressure to be “men” comes from elements like being a father and dealing with problems like insufficient sleep, worrying about finances or balancing the family’s needs with his own.

We’re stereotypically known as the breadwinners as opposed to the caregivers. What concerns me the most is also the societal stigma that surrounds men, that we need to have a steel exterior, to not talk about our feelings and to be tough all the time. Couple that societal stigma with the pressures of being known as the “breadwinner”, the criteria that decides the model role of a father is skewed and needs to be discussed more.

I would consider myself a rather hands-on dad, and that choice was made to both preserve the sanity of my wife, as well as for the sake of her mental well- being because being a mother isn’t easy. I am sure there are many just like me, or possibly even doing more—let’s not forget single parents that have to raise the child themselves, taking on the dual role as mother and father.

These are the ones that are often not talked about, or gauged by a societal-set criteria made up of factors that aren’t the full picture. We celebrated Father’s Day on the 20th of June, which is truly what we should do but the days and months after that are equally important – to recognise that it isn’t easy as a father as well, and to show support whenever we can, to talk to them whenever we can, and to have them know that they are not alone in their struggles, whatever they may be.

How has the pandemic affected you as a father and how have you coped with it?

Ryan: As an owner of a business in the retail industry, times have been challenging. You stress over the business but you also stress over the livelihoods of your staff, constantly trying to figure out new ways to do better. There’s also that lack of dividing space, as I would call it—the office is where you work, and home is where the heart is. With the pandemic, everything is boxed into one environment but the pressures are still the same because suddenly the home is the office as well.

You deal with the loud laughters and not being able to be in the most conducive work environment together with your team. Don’t get me wrong. I haven’t missed any of Tristan’s milestones and being at home has allowed me to see how hard it is for my wife when she’s all alone, so a greater appreciation is definitely there. However, I also think that it is in these times that the pressure to support the family while still trying to keep a level head at home is sometimes a challenge. Where my work is concerned, you sometimes need a quiet space to think of solutions, or a peaceful environment to come up with something creative. I try my best to separate my work room from the rest of my home and create the best environment that I can.

But I also know that some people don’t even have the luxury to work from home. I’ve spoken to friends who’ve had to drive GRAB to earn a little more cash on the side due to the pandemic and having either lost jobs or a portion of income. This means that they’re having to do something they weren’t expecting to do for long hours and missing time at home with the family. I’ve also heard how tough it is to take care of their little ones when both parents are working. Different fathers have different circumstances but it almost feels like you have no time to yourself because you’re either out working for extended hours to earn more money and hence miss out on time with the family, or you’re home but lack that dividing space. Either way that leads to being alone or having to bottle up pent up frustrations.

For me personally, I think having an open dialogue with your wife or family is what’s important—not only do I think it’s okay to share your feelings, I feel that it’s an absolute necessity especially during these times. I think it’s necessary to communicate when you’re tired, unwell or worse, unhappy so that your family knows how to respond accordingly in the best way possible. Having an open dialogue reduces the possibility of an argument that had been brewing for a long time because “men shouldn’t share their frustrations”.

I also think it’s wise to plan your time in visible blocks and make time for mini breaks—while this means that you “knock off” from work later, it also means you’re more charged to go for longer. The mini breaks can be anything from watching a video or doing something you enjoy, a simple stretch, having lunch with the family or spending just 15 to 20 minutes with your little one.

What would you like to share about your experiences as a father?

Ryan: The most important thing I’ve learnt throughout my experience as a father is that you and your partner need to work together as an inseparable unit and not as different departments. I think the reality is that the journey of being a parent from pregnancy to postpartum is very different for fathers in that we don’t feel it as emotionally as mothers do and sometimes, something that a mother can readily do, we may view as a “chore” because we are tired or feel stressed at work. Another thing that changes inevitably is that a new priority appears between the two of you, and it can often feel like you become “second place”, as the child becomes the priority in your wife’s eyes; speak to your wife about this – the key to a happy family, is first a strong marriage.

My advice is to keep going because the more you do these things, not only will you get better and faster at them, you’ll also see how appreciative your partner is, or how happy your kids are. I feel that all fathers should try to be as hands-on as possible; not because that’s what makes you a good father but also because you should always preserve the mental wellness (and sanity) of your wife. She is your utmost priority; the one who ensures your house is a home.

What are your hopes for people with regard to appreciating their fathers?

Ryan: I think this is the main reason for doing this interview – to be a voice in this matter, even if it’s a very small one because a little goes a long way. If you’re a son, a wife or even a close friend to someone who recently became a father, I hope that you take the time to speak to them and keep an open dialogue; to encourage them to communicate their feelings. Think of it this way, why do we often vent our frustrations on the people we are close to, as opposed to say, our boss or our colleagues? It’s pretty simple: you can’t and you don’t feel like you want to show that side of yourself to someone you’re not close to. Based on that, if you can’t express frustration, disappointment or hurt to your closest family, who will you express it to? Keeping an open dialogue is actually the same thing. It’s just a pre-emptive measure for your family to have context instead of it abruptly exploding. That may help to give you a much needed boost and prevent that “explosion” altogether.

As an ending note, I can’t speak for all fathers out there but I know how tough it can be and so I’d hope that there would be more campaigns and mainstream messaging to communicate this. I also know we don’t always live in the most ideal world and that there are always a few bad apples in a basket, but let’s not let that cloud the great work that the good ones do as well. As with Mothers’ Day, don’t just take Fathers’ Day as the day you say thank you. Share the love everyday, show the support everyday and keep an open dialogue with your fathers as often as possible—a little goes a long way.