Do you enjoy having conversations with your child? Of course you do. Except for the difficult ones about hot button issues. Right? Well, today, I am going to help you by sharing some tips you can use when having difficult conversations with your kid.
One or two generations ago, the most difficult conversation a father had with his children was about the birds and the bees. Fathers blush at the mention of the male and female genitalia. Things have really changed since then. Today, the conversations fathers find difficult to have with their children are about more contentious issues like same-sex marriage and gender identity. Most recently, it was about whether or not to repeal Section 377A of Singapore’s Penal Code. Some fathers have been called homophobic by their kids for being against the repeal. Such attitudes from children are simply disrespectful. But it goes to show how passionate both sides feel about the subject. It also shows, perhaps, that we’ve lost the ability to listen to one another.
I would like to share with you four things you can do as you enter into a difficult conversation with your child.
- Have an open mind. Be willing to hear opposing opinions—even outrageous ones. A sure way to shut down a conversation before it ever gets started is to express judgement or condescension. If you are willing to listen, if you are genuinely interested in what the other person has to say, then conversations take place and relationships grow.
- Listen to learn. That’s right. Learn. We are not too old to learn, are we? “Anyone who stops learning,” Henry Ford says, “is old, whether at twenty or eighty. “What can I learn?” you ask. Well, quite a lot, if you are willing. You already know what your child’s opinion is. But do you know why he thinks that way or why he feels so strongly about the matter? Instead of questioning the validity of the other person’s opinions or beliefs, ask questions and be curious. Genuinely try to understand your child’s position.
- Finally, keep calm. It is possible for conversations to become emotionally charged when there are differing beliefs and opinions, but remember that every individual has worth, dignity, and the right to express an opinion, even if you do not agree with them. Don’t take it personally. Instead, stay calm. If the conversation is getting too heated and one or both of you aren’t able to listen well to the other, take a step back. Press pause until you’re ready to engage with love and kindness again.
I know what you’re thinking and asking. “Is this going to change my child’s mind and get him to see that I am right?” The answer is: maybe. The goal of a conversation is not necessarily to persuade the other person – have a debate, if that’s your goal. The goal of a conversation is to understand one another better so that the two of you can have a relationship based on respect and trust. And I believe that is what you want at the end of the day. The last thing you want is to have your child as an adversary.
This article is written by Parcsen Loke, Family Life Coach, Centre for Fathering