Be Your Child’s Emotion Coach
Daniel Goleman, who wrote the book on Emotional Intelligence, told us that to succeed in life, having a high emotional intelligence, or EQ, is as important as having a high IQ. If that is true, what can fathers do to help their children increase their EQ?
In his book “Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child,” Dr John Gottman introduces us to three kinds of parents. A Dismissing Parent disengages, ridicules, or curbs negative emotions, feels uncertain, fears being out of control, uses distraction techniques, feels emotions are harmful, believes time is the cure-all for problem-solving, and is strangely unconcerned about the meaning of a child’s emotion.
A Disapproving Parent is similar to the dismissing parent but more negative, judgmental and critical.
A third type of parent is a Laissez-Faire Parent who is always permissive, offers no guidance on problem-solving or emotional understanding, and encourages “riding out” emotions.
You probably can already tell that children of such parents will not have very high emotional intelligence. Dr. Gottman calls a unique kind of parent who tunes in to their children and helps them practise emotional self-regulation an Emotion Coach.
Numerous studies have found that children of parents who are Emotion Coaches have fewer emotional and behavioural problems, including problems with anger, anxiety, and acting out. They also tend to develop better social skills and peer relationships.
To be an Emotion Coach, you just need to follow these five simple steps:
- Be aware of your child’s emotions
- See your child’s expressions of emotion as opportunities for teaching and intimacy
- Listen with empathy and validate their feelings
- Help your child learn to label their emotions with words
- Set limits
To become an effective Emotion Coach, parents need to be aware of their own emotions and be able to regulate them. You might find this challenging if your parents were not Emotion Coaches. But as you learn how to become an Emotion Coach to your children, you can also use the same strategies to get in touch with your own emotions. Couples can also help each other process their feelings by sharing with each other.
Food for Thought: Life is full of ups and downs. Sometimes, we are feeling good. And other times we feel down. Ask you child, “What is the best thing someone can do for you when you feel sad?” Then share your answer with your child as well.
References:
Hurrell et al 2017; Dumcombe et al 2014; Short et al 2010; Gottman et al 1996
Denham et al 1997; Gottman et al 1996