How You Can Speak To Connect

When parents speak to connect, they are showing their children that they are interested in their thoughts and feelings. They are also creating a safe space for their children to share their concerns and ask for help. This can help children to develop healthy coping mechanisms and to build resilience.

Here are some examples of how parents can use the “speak to connect” approach in communicating with their children:

Instead of demanding, “Clean your room!” say, “I’ve noticed your room is a bit messy. Can we work together to tidy it up?” This change in wording makes the request more cooperative and less authoritarian. It also shows that the parent is willing to help the child clean their room, rather than simply ordering them to do it. This can help to build a more positive relationship between the parent and child.

Instead of accusing, “You’re always forgetting your homework!” say, “I’m concerned about the times you’ve forgotten your homework this week. How can we ensure you remember it?” This change in wording focuses on the specific behaviour that the parent is concerned about, rather than making a general accusation. It also invites the child to participate in finding a solution, rather than simply telling them what to do. This can help the child to feel more responsible and in control.

Instead of criticising, “You’re such a slob!” say, “I’ve observed that you’re not putting your clothes away. What can we do to make this easier for you?” This change in wording focuses on the specific behaviour that the parent is observing, rather than making a personal attack. It also invites the child to participate in finding a solution, rather than simply telling them what to do. This can help the child to feel more respected and valued.

Instead of discouraging, “You’re never going to amount to anything!” say, “I believe in you. I know you can achieve anything you set your mind to.” This change in wording offers the child support and encouragement, rather than putting them down. It also communicates the parent’s belief in the child’s potential. This can help the child to develop a strong sense of self-esteem and confidence.

Speaking to connect is an essential skill for all parents. By taking the time to communicate with their children in a way that builds trust and understanding, parents can help their children to develop into happy, healthy, and resilient adults.

By Parcsen Loke, Family Life Coach, Centre for Fathering. 

Food for Thought: Very often, we are listening to respond. This prevents us from clearly understanding what our children are trying to say to us. What do you think we should be doing instead?