It’s Good Enough To Be Good Enough

While every parent knows that there is no such thing as a perfect parent, we still unconsciously strive to be one. The pursuit of perfection makes them feel guilty, shameful, and inadequate. To be a good parent, you don’t have to be perfect. Being good enough is actually the best.

My earlier statement that we should all strive to be “good enough” parents probably shocked you. The concept of good enough parenting was introduced in the 1950s by psychoanalyst and paediatrician Donald Winnicott. 

Winnicott recognised that expecting perfection from parents, or even from humans, was unrealistic. “Good enough” parents begin by being very responsive to their infant’s needs, but as the child grows their response decreases as they become capable of handling their own needs. 

Is it really good enough to be “good enough” parents? Some may think such parents are neglectful. They are not. They are experts in the art of benign neglect.

Practising benign neglect as a parent is not about abdicating responsibility, ignoring limits, or letting go of all boundaries. It’s about creating clear limits and boundaries, which all children need, yet allowing for enough freedom within those limits for true learning to occur.

“Good enough” parents reduce their responsiveness as their children grow so they (the children) can become independent and be ready for adult life. The opposite is true: if we never let go, they will never learn to take on responsibilities. 

You can be a “good enough” parent by making rational parenting decisions rather than perfecting every detail excessively, and by watching and waiting and being intentional in the ways you intervene.

By Parcsen Loke, Family Life Coach, Centre for Fathering. 

Food for Thought: What is your goal in parenting?

Father with a digital video camera recording his son. portrait of happy father and son In park.