The story of 33-year-old Ramlan Saruan and his family explores his turbulent transition into fatherhood, a history of family abuse, circumstances of immense pain and loss and how he turned a corner and found the strength and grace to start afresh.
Ramlan and his wife, Shamsiah, have three children – Idris (7), Idrus (5), and Idraki (5 months).
Ramlan recalls the date effortlessly. In May 2019, he threw a bicycle at his wife and children. This marked the end point of an increasingly frequent pattern of angry outbursts and even physical abuse of his family by his hand.
After the incident, his wife immediately took their two sons, headed to a police station and left him to end the day in “an empty home where the silence was loud (deafening).” Their case escalated to the court system, all the way to foster care for their sons and a Personal Protection Order (PPO) for his wife.
Stormy History
From the time their firstborn arrived, Ramlan and Shamsiah struggled in raising their children. Ramlan especially felt afraid and uncertain if he would be a good dad to his boys.
Ramlan grew up the second son in a family of four siblings. He and his two brothers and sister were brought up by a father with a short temper. “There was a lot of beatings, stress, and fear. He would say he loved us, but we hardly feel his love or attention from him,” Ramlan explained.
Two particular incidents stood out in Ramlan and his siblings’ relationship with their father. The first was when the siblings were trying to protect their mother from an episode of their father’s ill-treatment. “When my sister and I stepped up for my mum, my sister received a hard slap from my dad that made her head turn almost half a round,” Ramlan recalled. The impact was so hard that from then, his sister had suffered from migraines attributed to the blow.
Another key moment was when their father and mother were in the midst of a divorce. Ramlan said, “My mom allowed herself to get back with my father, giving him the benefit of the doubt to let my dad prove that he can be better.”
It was not to be. When Ramlan’s father didn’t get things the way he wanted, he chased my mom out of the house and threw her clothes out on the HDB corridor, recalled Ramlan. He and his siblings tried to protect his mother.
“When he tried to chase my mom, I got a grip on my dad and both of us fell. Unfortunately for me, he held me down and when he stood up, he dropped both his knees onto my chest. Until now, when there is rain coming, I can feel it in my chest.”
Since then, the siblings’ relationship with their dad has been “unpleasant”. “I tried to forgive myself and to forgive my dad. But it seems that he is not interested in repairing the relationship,” said Ramlan. Their dad would go on to marry twice, first to a local then to an Indonesian.
Throughout the divorce proceedings, Ramlan’s mother was suffering from numerous health complications from diabetes and high blood pressure to hypertension and early-stage stomach cancer. Amidst an acrimonious divorce process, Ramlan’s mother passed away in 2020.
Breaking the patterns
Today, Ramlan and his family are doing their best to move forward from the cycles of abuse he and his siblings grew up in. The road is long and tough, but his turning points have been decisive.
Shamsiah tells of the couple’s key conversation: “I had just sent our kids to school, and my husband wanted to meet. I was, frankly, scared to meet him. I decided to meet him anyway at the void deck opposite our children’s daycare. He wasn’t fierce so I could talk to him. We talked for quite a bit because I didn’t understand the root cause of his aggression. As we talked about this, it turned out that he blamed himself for everything that happened to his mother.”
As for Ramlan, he also needed a new career as the work environment he experienced for the past 9 years was not family-friendly and the working culture proved to be a poor fit for him personally and professionally. As he moved to a new job, the difference was also significant and his communication with his wife improved as well.
Crucial Pieces for Healing
Circumstances may sound like they played a big part in Ramlan’s story but the most important pieces in making his turnaround possible are manifold.
The first crucial factor lay in how Ramlan acknowledged his problems and determined to make himself accountable for them. Ramlan made some noteworthy moves in this regard, in court, no less.
At the Family Court where their case was being heard, Ramlan proposed to the judge “that my wife still holds the PPO. Why? It is not only for her protection, not only for my kids’ protection but also for my protection. One of the reminders to me that if I were to manhandle my wife again, I will be jailed.”
The second string of actions that Ramlan took was to sign up for all the available help in understanding, managing, and healing from his anger management issues. He used every available means to get help in this area – the Internet, counsellors, and mentors among others.
One of the sources of help was his participation in Centre for Fathering’s ICAN workshop in early 2022. Ramlan said that the event helped him find ways to deepen his relationship with his children. Hearing other parents at the workshop who had many years of experience as parents gave him tools to discipline his kids that he immediately put to use at home, as his usual methods of discipline caused his children to clam up. He found that by using the methods that he learned at ICAN, even after he disciplined his children, they would still be open to talking to him.
Most importantly, Ramlan and Shamsiah now invest in their relationship. He tells a beautiful story of how Shamsiah decided to rebuild their marriage by giving him another child.
“She believed in me and that I had changed to a better person. I was doing chores in the kitchen one day, and she came to me and said, ‘I’m ready to have another child with you to symbolise our hard work and trust that you have already made the effort.’ When she broke the news (of the pregnancy) to me, I broke down in tears of joy. I told her with this child I will spend my time being with him because I didn’t get to be there with my first two children when they were born and as they grew up.”
Note:
If you are anyone you know is suffering from family distress or violence at home, please contact:
National Anti-Violence and Sexual Harassment Helpline: 1800-777-0000