Mario Singh, Founder, Soulrich Foundation, father to Chantelle (14) and Elliot (12).and DADs for Life supporter tells us his heart for fathering.
Why do you think your involvement as a father is important to your children?
There are multiple studies which show that involved fathers have a deep impact on their children’s healthy development. These include areas like their language, cognitive thinking, physical growth and emotional well-being. Hence, I resolved early in my fatherhood journey that I wanted to be an involved father to my two kids, Chantelle and Elliot.
As a father, what legacy or values do you hope to pass down to your children?
My wife Shalyn and I have a parenting mandate for the kids that revolves around 3 areas:
- Teach Values: This would include having a strong work ethic, an attitude of gratitude and a growth mindset. Several years ago, I gave Chantelle and Elliot a list of 20 positive affirmations for them to recite, which they still do till this day. The affirmations start with “I am awesome!”, “I believe in myself!” and end with “I’ll never give up!”
- Build Memories: Spending quality time together needs to be deliberate and intentional especially when everyone is so busy. When the kids were younger, I’ve had “Daddy-Daughter-Date” with Chantelle and “Boys-Fun-Day” with Elliot. Even though they are older now, activities we did during those precious times still do come up during our conversations. In recent years, we started something else called “Family Fun Friday” where the four of us will explore a new restaurant, watch a movie or do something fun together. Another one of our family tradition is to come together to set our annual goals on the first day of the year. I’ve come to realise that children truly value such moments together.
- Grow Together In God: When I was a kid, my mum used to read “Our Daily Bread” devotional to my siblings and I. Fast forward one generation and I now read “Our Daily Bread For Kids” to Chantelle and Elliot. It’s a wonderful devotional resource that anchors on a Bible story and verse as well as encourages conversation with one another through a couple of questions at the end of each story.
As the founder of a corporation and a non-profit organisation, how do you encourage fathers in the workplace and community to become more involved with their children?
I find that generally, most parents want the best for their children. However, the general notion of striving to climb the corporate ladder in the workplace and the business world to provide a good life for our children may be inadequate. All of us have heard (or probably know) of people who are “successful” in the marketplace but hurting in relationships with their kids.
The key for fathers is to understand perspective and priorities. Perspective helps us to think long-term. Priorities help us to plan for the short-term. Both are critical. If we resolve upfront that our relationship with our children is important, then certain actions need to be done or foregone to protect that mandate.
Admittedly, there will be times when dads need to be away for a period, whether that comes in the form of late-night shifts, working overtime or even overseas business trips. During those periods, ensure that the family understands you are not sacrificing them, but you are sacrificing for them. Having said that, you can still be in touch through social media so there should not be any excuse.
Fathers play multiple roles – from provider, disciplinarian, cheerleader to comforter etc. What do you think are the most important roles you play as a father?
I don’t think there’s any one role that dominates the others. The world is getting more complicated so it’s even more important for fathers to play multiple roles. When it comes to discipline, I believe fathers should take this role instead of their wives. God has given fathers the moral authority as head of the home so its important he uses that authority wisely. One example is the father’s voice. When used wrongly, it can teeter on verbal abuse and cause fear. When used correctly, it can instill discipline, provide wise counsel, nourish the soul and affirm positive habits.
Do you have any struggles /experiences/stories in fatherhood you wish to share with the readers?
There is a story that we will all remember and probably still talk about in the years to come. One evening my mum came over for dinner. She wanted to spend time with the kids. I reminded the kids the night before and told them several times to spend time with “Nai Nai” when she came.
As luck would have it, both didn’t. On the day, they greeted my mum softly, spent most of their time in their room and hardly conversed with my mum over dinner. My blood boiled and I didn’t even rationalize if it was because they had a lot of homework. My instruction had been given the night before. When my mum left, I gave both a fierce scolding and caned their hands so hard on the first whack that the cane split.
I was very frustrated and disappointed that the kids didn’t heed my instruction; but naturally felt a level of emotional pain after the caning. I don’t use it very often at all. It only happens as a result of the kids not obeying instructions after repeated times. They know there are consequences when they do not carry our instructions. Having said that, we know the importance of separating identity from behaviour.
As an example, both my kids know that we love them deeply and nothing they do will cause our love to diminish. This is important in terms of establishing their identity as our kids, firmly rooted in parental love. When they misbehave however, discipline will come; which is us correcting their behaviour. Kids must know the difference between identity and behaviour, so that they do not feel insecure about their identity and sense of self-worth. I find that parents can sometimes unintentionally conflate identity and behaviour when they utter rash words during times of discipline and behaviour-correction. This can cause kids to suffer from low esteem.
How has your own relationship with your father impacted your own fathering journey?
My dad passed on in 1992 when I was 16. Although the time I had with him wasn’t long, I will always remember him as a sociable and fun person. That trait has probably rubbed off on me as I try to think of fun activities to do with the kids. Some examples include badminton with Chantelle or kayaking with Elliot. Another example is looking for new food places in Singapore to try out together, although my wife Shalyn has cleverly called this out that “you look forward to eat at these places more than the kids do.”
How do you co-parent with your wife in raising your children?
Shalyn is a stay-at-home-mum and she handles most of the stuff like meal planning and homework help. I take on the two extremes: discipline on one end and fun on the other. I also lead our devotions together when we gather several times a week after dinner to read “Our Daily Bread For Kids” and pray together.
What are your hopes and dreams for fathers and families in Singapore?
My hopes and dreams are three-fold.
- Firstly, for every father to understand that he is deeply loved by God regardless of past mistakes or current circumstances. Understanding God’s love and having a personal relationship with God is the key to getting our life back on track and reversing any negative cycles that might be perpetuating from previous generations.
- Secondly, for every father to prioritise family relationships before work. Many fathers do it the other way round – we tend to think that work comes first and family relationships second.
- Finally, for families (wives and kids) to appreciate their husbands and fathers more. I am sure many do, but we all know we can do more. Fathers face many challenges and play such an important role in ensuring the strength of the family unit. Tell your husband and father frequently that you love him and appreciate him for all that he is and all that he does. We cannot make the mistake of thinking that men do not need such affirmation. They do.
A family is truly a blessed unit of people where life begins and love never ends. When a family is strong, our nation will be rock-solid because strong families are the bedrock of every nation.